Funny Quotations

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
~Groucho Marx

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
~Josh Billings

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
~Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
~George Bernard Shaw

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
~Groucho Marx

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
~Bob Hope

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
~H. L. Mencken

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
~Steven Wright

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
~Yogi Berra

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
~Bill Cosby

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.
~Mark Twain

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.
~Satchel Paige

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
~Groucho Marx

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
~Casey Stengel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
~Charles M. Schulz

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
~Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
~Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
~Groucho Marx

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
~Tracey Ullman

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
~Marilyn vos Savant